


Five times Ben desperately wanted to touch Klaus, and the one time he did (not counting the punch)

by LadyShadowWraith



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 07:27:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23967625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyShadowWraith/pseuds/LadyShadowWraith
Summary: Five times over the years that Ben wished desperately he could touch Klaus, and one time he could
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves/Dave (mentioned)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 316





	Five times Ben desperately wanted to touch Klaus, and the one time he did (not counting the punch)

**Author's Note:**

> Came up with this idea in the middle of the night, so I had to write it as soon as I could. I'm not counting the punch as the first time Ben touches him, because he totally didn't expect that to work. Hope you enjoy!

** ONE **

Being incorporeal sucks. A lot. He can touch inanimate objects sometimes, like to sit on them, but he can’t _move_ them. He can’t read his favorite books anymore, only the one single one he had with him when he died. But most of all, he can’t touch _people_. He can see them, all of them, crying when they learn of his death, the shock and hurt on their faces. It hurts, because he’d known exactly what he was doing, exactly how upset They were, and how They would react when he released Them after so long locked away. They’d turned on him, finally ending his torment- or so he thought. It was a greater torture to see his family (not his father, the emotionless bastard) reacting, the tears and pain they were going through.

The worst one was Klaus.

They’d always been so close, crawling into each other’s beds and holding each other, offering comfort after their personal training (torture) sessions. He can remember, vividly, the feel of Klaus’ slender hand on his skin, trying to calm the beasts inside him and help take away the pain. He remembers his own hands, gentle on pale skin as he cleaned up the bruises and scrapes Klaus got in the mausoleum, trying to escape it and the ghosts that haunted him. Things he couldn’t protect him from, but he wanted to, desperately.

When he sees Klaus go up to their shared room, he follows, drifting along like one of the many horrors that chase him day and night. He’s well into the drugs at this point though, so the other specters are quiet, vanished into the ether- but not Ben. He’s fighting for his space here, to stay at his Klaus’ side, no matter how high he gets. But when he lays down on Ben’s empty bed, and he sees the tears flow, he wishes he could take it all back. He sits next to him, trying to put a hand on his shoulder, to reassure him, but it goes right through him.

He stares at his hand in horror, realizing the full extent of what he’s done, even as the monsters beneath his skin are finally quiescent. He can no longer comfort his brother, the man he loves, with the soft touches they had grown so used to, can’t hold him through the night and soothe away the nightmares. He has _become_ one of the nightmares now, a constant reminder of his loss. 

_Never to touch again, always together, always apart._

** TWO **

It’s no secret where Klaus goes, and the things he does. In a way, Ben understands it. There are horrors that haunt him day and night (he should know, he’s one of them now), and the drugs keep them at bay. It doesn’t mean he likes it though. He hates seeing him like that, and puts every ounce of his willpower to use to stay at his side, even through the worst of it. He isn’t sure if it’s their connection, or his stubbornness, that make it work, but it does. He’s glad for it, even when he sees Klaus go to the club, following along like a shadow, face hidden deep in his hood. 

It’s no surprise when he finds a handsome man selling little pills, flashes him that beautiful smile, and sidles up next to him. He doesn’t have much cash, Ben knows, but he has other ways to pay. His lips are full and soft, and the Seance thinks nothing of offering his body to get what he needs to chase away the pain. It breaks his heart, but there’s only so much he can do- even the Horror itself can’t keep the other ghosts at bay, not for long. They aren’t scared of him and what he can do- they only want to be heard, not caring what it does to Klaus.

Why would they? They’re dead, they care only about trying to live again.

It isn’t the first time he’s followed him to a club, begging quietly, pleading, for him to just get clean, to find another way to deal with all this. He’s older now, he can control them far easier than when he was a child… but Klaus doesn’t want to, and all Ben can do is watch. For the first time though, he follows them to a back room, thinking that maybe if Klaus sees him, he’ll stop, reconsider what he’s doing, and they can go somewhere, anywhere, to be free of the shadow of the Academy. Maybe somewhere near the ocean.

He should know better.

What he sees is Klaus on his knees, lips wrapped around the man and working him with all the talent he possesses. He has tears in his eyes from being choked, lips shiny and puffy, and for the first time since dying, Ben feels something other than sorrow- _jealousy_. He wants to be the one there with Klaus, to toss the man away like the worthless piece of shit he is, kiss Klaus’ lips and tell him he’s _better_ than this, that he shouldn’t give himself to random men who only want to hurt him. He should be with _Ben_ , who wants to worship him, give him all the pleasure in the world, and love him forever. 

He knows when Klaus sees him, sees the look burning from the shadows of his hood, because he moans _louder_. He _likes_ it, likes Ben watching him, and the jealous monster inside him only roars louder, hands shoved into his pockets to keep him from reaching out uselessly.

_It’s hard, wanting so badly what you can’t touch, can never have._

** THREE **

The first time Klaus overdoses, Ben cries, something he didn’t know he could do anymore. 

He always knew that the drugs were a bad way to go, that one day, somehow, things would go badly for Klaus. It was a toss of the dice every time- would he take too much? Would it be a bad batch? Would someone decide they wanted more money from Klaus, and hurt him? It’s been a few years, and Ben can somewhat keep the ghosts at bay- the really bad ones, at least-, but he still can’t do anything to the physical world. All he can do is _talk_ , and the only person that can hear him ignores him half the time.

It starts like any other trip, Klaus downing pills without thinking about it, flopping out onto the bed he’d managed to score for a few nights. It came with a partner, of course, but Ben was getting used to that- even if the jealous monster in him wasn’t. It was _him_ that Klaus looked at, anyway, and if he focused only on him, he could believe that he was the one giving him that pleasure. The other man was gone, for now, Ben hadn’t paid attention to where. All he was doing at the moment was laying on the bed next to Klaus, one hand hovering over his bared stomach and pretending that he could touch him, if he really wanted to, that he wasn’t just imagining the warm skin beneath his fingertips.

When his breathing goes shallow though, his pale skin going even paler, Ben knows something is wrong. It’s only a few moments later that he starts to choke, and Ben scrambles to turn him on his side, even though he knows he can’t affect him. It doesn’t stop him from trying, crying out for him to wake up, screaming for someone to come in the room and see that he’s in trouble, that he needs help. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until tears dot the back of his hands, touching nothing else in the room. If he was corporeal, he knows he would be hoarse with how loud he’s screaming, trying so hard to save the one he loves.

He can’t, of course, has to watch the flavor of the week open the door and find him, calling an ambulance and turning him on his side. Ben refuses to leave him, even when the paramedics come rushing in, walking right through him. He stays next to Klaus the entire time, following to the ambulance, sitting right by his head in the hospital. 

_Hands once so strong, now useless, trapped by a state he can’t overcome._

** FOUR **

Rehab is… not a pretty place. The bill is paid for, of course, quietly- Ben isn’t sure if it’s one of their siblings or their father doing it, but he knows it’s been paid for. Klaus hates it though, wants out, but it’s been mandated, and he has to stay for at least thirty days. Withdrawal is hell, especially on someone who’s used as much as Klaus has, and for as long. 

The shakes, the itching, the sheer desperation for a fix… He hates seeing him like this, but at the same time, he wants him to be sober. It would be so much better than watching him toe the line between life and death, wondering if the next hit kills him, if he’ll lose him forever. But it’s just as much a hell to watch him like this. When they were children, he would have chased the monsters away with a gentle touch, reading to him and holding him close, trying to distract him. It’s harder to do that here and now. He can keep the ghosts at bay, some, literally standing in front of Klaus while he sleeps and pushing away the spirits (he can touch them, but he doesn’t feel it- sometimes he wonders if it would be easier if he could). He can talk to him, sing, read from the single book he has, but he can’t brush his curls away from his face, can’t wipe away the sweat and hold him until the tremors stop. He also can’t stop him from trying to beg someone for drugs, seeing if they can sneak them into him, ‘just to ease him down’.

And when he finally gets out, he can’t drag him somewhere to eat, either back to the Academy and Mom’s cooking, or to one of their siblings still in town. He has to watch, instead, as he pawns his shiny rehab coin and whatever else he can to get cash, and immediately buy more drugs. He feels the pull to drift away, like all the others, but he still stays at his side, hidden in his hood, watching over him the only way he can.

_Unable to protect the one he loves, even from himself, heart breaking as he can only watch, and try to discourage him._

** FIVE **

If anyone asked how this happened, Ben wouldn’t have been able to tell them. One moment, Klaus was being tortured, escaping only when Diego’s friend managed to find him (he’d wanted to warn her about the second shooter, but he hadn’t been able to, useless as always), crawling through a vent and stealing a briefcase and the next…. he was in the middle of a war? Ben was fairly certain he shouldn’t have been able to follow him through time, but somehow, he has. Was it because he was trying to touch him when it activated? Was it simply the force and strength of their bond? He has no idea.

Vietnam. Ben had read about it, actually paying attention to their history lessons, and he knew that this was not going to be good. He tries to convince Klaus to use the briefcase again, to leave _right now_ , but he doesn’t. There’s a handsome man in the barracks, who immediately befriends him, and Ben can see what’s coming. Part of him is happy for Klaus, seeing that he’s actually smitten with Dave, and that Dave seems to care equally for him. He deserves that, after so long of being abused and used, forgotten and ignored by everyone except his dead brother who can’t (won’t) leave him alone. 

But part of him hates it too. He still wants to be the one holding Klaus close, kissing him in dark corners and dancing with him. He wants to be the one to hold him in the middle of the night, soothing away his terrors and guarding his back. But he can’t. He fades to the background, never paying attention when they’re together. This is one thing he won’t interfere in- Klaus deserves happiness… and it hurts too much. 

He’s right there when Dave dies, though, useless hands fluttering above Klaus’ back as he screams for a medic. But what can he do? He can’t bring Dave back- can’t even see his ghost, actually. He can’t hold Klaus while he screams, begging for Dave to stay with him. He can’t even wipe away his tears when they get back to the present, or curl up behind him on the sidewalk. 

_Always watching, never touching, never bringing the comfort he so badly wants to._

** PLUS ONE **

He doesn’t count the punch in the face as touching him. He hadn’t even intended to do that, had just swung out of pure frustration and annoyance that Klaus was giving up already. It had _worked_ , shockingly, and then in the theatre, Klaus had manifested him just in time to save the rest of his siblings. (He wasn’t sure that a couple of them deserved it, for the things they’d done, but they were still family, and Ben loved them anyways.) Five’s attempt to take them back in time works, shockingly, and they’re all back in the past, with more time to work out how to stop the apocalypse. It takes a moment for him to register the wind on his face, the stones under his ass, but once it does… tears flow down his face unrestrained, staring at his hands.

He’s alive again.

_He’s alive again._

It takes the others longer to realize. Klaus has always seen him, so it doesn’t phase him to see Ben sitting on the ground with the rest of them. But when the stunned expressions of their siblings registers, Klaus’ face looks just the same. It was that which unfreezes Ben’s muscles, body reacting even before his mind realizes what he was doing. He throws himself at Klaus, wrapping his arms tightly around him and rolling so that he will hit the ground, not the lanky psychic, and crying happily, burying his face in his neck. He doesn’t even care that it takes several long moments for him to respond, for those arms to come around him and hold him tight, or that his hoodie is being soaked by Klaus’ tears.

All that matters is that he’s holding him like he’s wanted to for over a decade, laughing even as he cries happily, uncaring of the other looks he’s getting as he plants kiss after kiss into Klaus’ hair. It’s Klaus that closes the distance between their lips after a long while, and Ben can do little more than hold him tighter, returning it with all the pent-up love he’s been holding onto.

_He tastes like cigarettes and spices, and he never wants to taste anything else again._


End file.
